Kick-Ass

Something to offend everyone.

A rapid-fire series of fists to the face, this comic book adaptation is soaked in cynicism, a hardy helping of the ol’ ultraviolence, and every bodily fluid possible.

It follows the day-to-day life of a wannabe superhero, a young dude who naively believes he can slap a costume on and go save a world which couldn’t care less.

Along the way, he crosses paths with Chloë Grace Moretz’s Hit Girl, a tiny dynamo who dispenses justice, one fractured tibia at a time, and finds his ultimate role model.

She’s here, she’s savage – get used to it.

The Road Warrior

Let’s go for a drive.

Essentially one extended action scene, broken up by small bits of dialogue and drama, this remains one of the great rock-me, sock-me flicks.

Director George Miller, who topped himself 30+ years later with Mad Max: Fury Road, is in fine form here, pitting a grungy Mel Gibson against the dregs of humanity.

There’s a story, or at least part of one, about a bid to transport oil from one barren outpost to another barren outpost, but that’s not why we’re here.

We came for the squeal of metal on metal, and boy howdy, does this deliver.

Point of No Return

Where have you gone, Bridget Fonda? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

It’s been almost 20 years since one of the best actresses of my lifetime prematurely retired.

She chose marriage and motherhood over movies, and I wish her all the best, though there will always be a hope she may one day return to the family business.

Fonda imbued all her parts with a grace and fire they might not otherwise have had, and this action flick about a drug addict turned assassin is a prime example.

It’s not super-deep, maybe, but our favorite leading lady is lethally good.

The Substitute (1996)

Tom Berenger is not here for your shenanigans.

Playing a tough-as-nails Vietnam War vet who still runs covert ops, he morphs into a teacher after his girlfriend is attacked while working at a school where cocaine deals far outnumber academic decathlons.

Facing down gang bangers and weaselly admins, Berenger cleans up his classroom in a hail of punches and don’t-mess-with-me grimaces.

Trash, but entertaining trash which knows it’s trash and leans into it, hard, this launched a series of semi-decent straight-to-video films, but you only get Tom the Two-Fisted Wonder in this first chapter.

Accept no substitutions.

One Million Years B.C.

Something for every demographic.

This wild ‘n woolly 1966 adventure flick offers Raquel Welch in a fur bikini, plus Ray Harryhausen’s stop-motion dinosaurs terrorizing the prehistoric landscape.

Are you not entertained?

Some might quibble with the fact humans and dinosaurs are living in the same time period, which seems to fly right in the face of historical reality, but the filmmakers couldn’t care less.

“We didn’t make it for professors,” Harryhausen said. “Who probably don’t go to see these kinds of movies anyway.”

Well, except for the professors who wanted to study the physics of Raquel’s physique, that is…