Hell Fest

Buy the ticket, buy the danger.

A group of teenagers aim to kill some time at an amusement park, but deep inside the establishment lurks a real slasher doing his bloody business under cover of darkness.

Most of the things which jump out at you from the shadows are just there for good-time thrills, but others, well, they come equipped with sharp knives and a severe lack of a conscience.

This is not a classic by any means, but it has a couple of nice jump scares, and a creepily-effective finale, and sometimes that’s enough.

Call me easy, I guess.

Wild Love

Um, yeah, so probably not for the kiddos.

Come to this gnarly man vs. animal slugfest with the right attitude and it’s frequently hilarious.

Don’t, and you’ll probably be the one huddled over in the corner, whispering, “What is wrong with you?”

A lot, apparently.

I don’t want to spoil things, especially for a film which is just a zippy seven minutes, so let’s just set the table like so — a human couple make an error in the woods, and come to regret it. Big time.

Go, enjoy … then prepare your angry emails.


Mörderische Ferien

Blood ‘n guts – the universal language.

We usually think of slasher films as an American institution, but Uncle Sam has some competition when it comes to crazed killers harassing nubile victims.

This gore-splattered mystery thriller hails from Germany and follows a pretty familiar pattern.

Having escaped a killer as a youngster — her parents didn’t fare as well — our heroine gets out of the mental hospital years later and heads for the most remote location she can find.

Surprise, surprise, the vengeful assassin is soon on her trail, leaving a trail of bodies.

As you do in these kind of movies.

Friday the 13th (1980)

Don’t go in the woods, you fools!

Kevin Bacon, and some more-anonymous folks, get shredded in a film which helped launch a genre.

Halloween and Black Christmas came first, and A Nightmare on Elm Street is better, but ’80s slashers don’t blossom with the same fury without Jason’s mom “disciplining” naughty teens.

After endless sequels starring a can’t-be-killed monster, it’s refreshing to return to where it started — with a real mystery and a lot of ki-ki-ki-ma-ma-ma.

Which freaked out nine-year-old David when I saw a TV ad while in the dark basement at my grandmother’s house, thank you very much.


Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

100% historically accurate.

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it, no matter what presidential scholars might have to say on the matter.

Makes sense that one of our most-revered political leaders might have been pulling double duty, slaying the undead soul-suckers trying to use the Civil War as a cover for taking over the world.

He said with his fingers crossed and a smile on his lips.

Either way, this is an entertaining mish-mash of real-life happenings and fantastical fiction, with a better cast than you might expect bringing just a hint of class to the whole blood-soaked affair.