Cutthroat Island

Eat my shorts, “Pirates of the Caribbean.”

This is the swashbuckling epic which should have been a huge worldwide hit, pieces o’ eight raining down in the studio coffers all day and night.

It’s got Geena Davis kickin’ butt and takin’ names as a pirate captain who waits for no man to save her, Matthew Modine as a plucky sidekick, and a full-throated Frank Langella as the devil of the high seas.

Action, intrigue, even a little (clumsy) comedy, all topped with one of the best send-offs in cinematic history (“Bad Dawg!”).

What’s not to love, ya scurvy landlubbers?


Masters of the Universe

My mom loved this film … sorta.

To be honest, she wasn’t as enamored with Dolph Lundgren and Frank Langella throwin’ down in a beefcake vs. bone daddy battle as I was, but she did live for one scene, stopping to applaud as I wore out the VHS.

It comes when Skeletor and his minions arrive on Earth, where a radiant Courtney Cox will lead the human resistance.

Raining down fire ‘n destruction, the invaders blow up an H & R Block office, which warmed the heart of my mom, a former employee of the tax world’s Evil Empire.

“Burn, baby, burn!”